This is the fourth (and Last? version
with emendations by
Charles Matoon and the Mary Gabriele
MOTHER FRACKING NATURE
PEACEFUL ACRES REPAIR FOR THE SERIOUSLY IMPAIRED
Doctor: [speaking loudly on landline phone with laptop on desk]
You say this uh creature was found in the Alley behind Backstage Bakery in Cottage Grove?
And she is insisting she is the real—the original—Mother Fracking Nature
Hey stop with the language, same to you. Just dump her here.
[Mother Earth (ME) comes in disheveled. Vines wrapped around her, weaving back and forth and plops down on a chair]
ME: Yes, I’m Mother Fluffing Earth and I’m mad as hellfire, hellfire, [glacier melting] hellfire!
Doctor: How long have you been, uh, believed you are a fictional character?
ME: All my life, about 4 and a half billion years. If you think—pardon the pun—I am your garden variety psychopathic drunk,
you’re very many much mis damn taken!
Doctor: come here and walk on this line
ME: I am not psychotic or drunk. I’ve been aerial sprayed and there are pharmaceuticals in my
water, my rivers…
Doctor: Let’s assume you are Mother Nature for a hot minute. We understand how busy you
are keeping the Earth vegetated, the fields fertile, the creatures living, forest growing and
Mother Earth: That’s just the problem, I get no respect! I’m Mother Fluffin’ Earth to a planet
where I’m mostly disrespected. Scorpions respect their mother. But humans–well it’s like
having children that never listen, no matter how you try to tell them or show them…
[Doctor is giving the crazy sign to the audience, not listening] Are you listening to me?!!!
Doctor: Oh Sorry [writes] “Not listening” How many times have I heard that? Sorry, uh…Could you give me some examples?
ME: Well, one example, call them the damn mother frackers destroying my mountains and
poisoning the ground water for a few ounces of energy. My children are so dumb they never
learned how to tap into free energy.
rainforest—Elliott State Forest—And we’re not just talking about the trees–the land too—
home to endangered species of spotted owl, marbled murrelett and coho salmon.
Doctor: just calm down I’m sure you’re imagining that not to mention acting as if there’s any
alternative to the ruthless pursuit of profit [laughs]. [Suddenly serious] By the way, do you have
ME: Yeah, Nature always bats last.
Doctor: I’ll take that as a YES.
ME: [She charges ahead, getting really steamed] House republicans want to open up National Forest to mining and logging. When will they learn?
Doctor: You can’t unstupid them. You are very very ill. You’re getting hysterical. Aha! You’re
acting like you have feeling when we know Nature is dead resources for all practical purposes.
We have medications for that. [Notices her distress] Here take some of mine. I can help you, uh,
adjust, to this admittedly less than perfect..[to himself] bloody rat race!…system. What did you
say your name is?
ME: Mother Fluffing
Doctor: Earth, right, okay
ME: They are killing me. Matricide. I’m burning up, over heating. We’re in this together.
Doctor: Look surgeons can do a heart transplant, but they can’t do a smart transplant. You
know that. [as much to himself as her] Can’t do a happy transplant either. The best thing to do
is take your pills, pretend to be smart and cool, armour yourself with false irony and distract
yourself with lots of entertainment and cool gadgets. [Immediately distracts himself with his
iphone or computer]
ME: [She notices cracks forming in his armor. .stands up, walks, plucking some vines from her dress and tossing them down]
How can I remain Mother Fluffing Earth if there ain’t no earth no more? Mother Pluto or
Mother Mars doesn’t cut it. [Doc is still at his gadget] [goes toward the doctor menacingly]
You do know what I mean?
Doctor: Yeah, the end of everything. The end of Doctor Who and civilization as we know it
(looking for the panic button)
ME: And who are YOU, doctor, to talk down to me?!
DOCTOR: Take it easy. Let’s take a look at this mess. You’re defining yourself by your children, your job.
ME: How do you define yourself? By the moonscape where your heart should be?
DOCTOR: [fighting off a breakdown] Have you thought about being, oh say, Mother Moon, may take eons to repopulate—
ME: (lying on couch again…)
You know I’d become rather fond of this planet. The craters, forests, oceans, deserts…I never
liked that it was called Death Valley. I have life everywhere. Love the various climates. Were
all that to go, I just don’t know (upset) It would be like losing everyone and everything you ever
loved. Have you ever lost someone you loved, Doctor?
Doctor: (coughing) Well, um—[breaks into tear]
ME: [leads him to the couch] There, there now, what happened?
Doctor: I never listened to her!
ME: You know, doctor, If Mother Earth is sick, so are you. We need to support those who are
looking to the future. I think you need a break, need to lie down. Don’t drive so much. Go
outside more and Enjoy nature. [takes the clipboard and takes his seat] Now, tell me about