Note: Mary asked me to make the previous skit
a bit grittier. So I did.
Mother Fluffing Earth
(For this version offstage music might be
White Rabbit or Arthur Brown’s Hellfire
later there might be a few lines from
What was I thinking
For this version
there may be a sign in back
Repair for the seriously impaired
DM (speaking on her landline on her desk)
(Maybe she also has a Laptop, doesn’t everyone)
You say this uh creature was found in the alley
next to a Bar, Bacchanal Arts Bar 2, in the Philly
And she was insisting she was the real original
Mother Fucking Nature. You really could of said fluffing,
You’re not Captain Charles Vane from Black Sails, you’re the
tiddly little ambu driver! Well, same to you.
Just dump her here!
ME comes in disheveled, wearing vines over a stained
green dress, maybe weaving back and forth
and finally plops on the chair or couch.
Yes I am Mother Fluffing Nature and I’ mad as
and I won’t-
DM How long have you been, uh believed
you are a fictional character?
All my life. If you think, pardon the pun, I’m your
garden variety psychotic drunk, you’re very much mis damn staken!
I may be psychotic and I may be drunk, but I have some damn good
DM Let’s lay aside the talking like a biker bitch for a second.
Even dikes don’t talk this way anymore.
(lets the phone ring but pauses)
Let’s assume you are Mother Nature for a hot minute.
If so, we understand how busy you are keeping the
earth vegetated, the fields fertile, the crops rotated and-
ME That’s just the problem. I’m mother fucking earth
to a planet where I’m mostly disrespected! Scorpions respect their Mother but the humons** well, it’s like having children who never listen, no matter how you try to tell them, show them-
DM Could you give me some examples?
ME Some of these, well one example, call them the godddamn MotherFrackers,destroying my beautiful mountains for a few ounces of energy. As the country song goes, What were they thinking?
(Stands up and walks, maybe stamps her feet and beats her chest.)
DM Please sit down and continue.
Have you tried to show them the errors of their ways?
ME First I tried to show them by raising temperatures but, as Don Imus would say, some of them are just not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Now we have Polar bears running out of ice, temperature variations that have never happened before, floods in England seaside.— Now the English,
unlike that state with the fat beehop for Governor-
DM You mean Christie?
ME Yeah, they still wanna rebuild the shoreline. Again. After SANDY!
That’s a big bowl of stupid as Don Imus says.
DM Well, you can’t unstupid them. Look, surgeons can do a heart transplant, but they can’t do a smart transplant. You know that!
ME ( standing up and walking, maybe plucking some vines from her dress
and tossing them down)
How can I remain Mother Fucking Earth if ain’t no earth no more.!!
(Claps her hands loudly)
Mother Pluto or Mother Mars don’t cut it, ya know what I mean.
(Goes up to desk and pounds it)
(Threatenly) You do know what I mean!
Plus which that means the end of Doctor Who, which I would hate to be
the cause of!
(Calmly, though she’s trying to remember where the panic button is)
Now, let’s look at this mess. You’re defining your self by your children, by your job. Maybe it’s time to redefine, to downsize.
Have you ever thought about becoming oh say Mother Moon.
It would take years to repopulate but you have plenty of eons..
(Lies on the couch, trying to be seductive)
Ya know, I’ve become rather fond of the earth, craters and deserts and all, yes, all it’s various climates, the Himalayas, Hawaii, the Alps, the Adirondacks,Alaska (though not their Governors), The Indian Ocean, the Atlantic, the Pacific, even the deserts, and I do hate that they call it Death Valley, there’s life there, just different life… were all that to go, even if Earth remained but every place on earth had the damn same climate,
the same damn weather, the same damn same!,
Well, that would still be someplace, but not Earth, not my Earth
DM Stop thinking what you want all the time!
Maybe the majority of Bozo Earthlings don’t really give a good toohoot if everyplace looks the damn same, no Hawaii, no Himalayas, if it all looks like Brooklyn. There’s something to be said for only need a few dressses, a
few shirts, a few pairs of pants. If everything is the damn same-
ME But I have to stop them! I can’t let this be!
(Starts pounding the desk and wigging out.)
DM (on phone)
(Get your lily ass in here and be ready to shoot her up with __________
Then toss her in the same ward as Father Time!)
(sweetly to ME The Porter will be here to show you to your room>
(Note as curtain falls, there’s a bit of noise.
I keep trying to think of ending music and I’m conflicted between
Sympathy for the Devil and Big Yellow Taxi- either version)
* named for Max, a character from Black Sails
another guilty pelasure
** what the Ferengi, in Deep Space Nine, called humans